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In order to experience happiness and contentment with others, you must be unconditionally and authentically in love with the “self” – not selfish – but empowered and secure enough to know how to give and receive love.  When we master the love of self, find happiness in our accomplishments, understand our needs and are comfortable with “self”, then maybe we can equally and pleasurably share life and love with others.

The illusion that other people will “forever” provide answers to our internal conflicts, fulfill our every need, and meet our forever changing desires must be permanently put to bed.  We must understand that any current or future love connection will have its own needs, aspirations and desires to fulfill and it may be humanly incapable of keeping up with your forever evolving “self.”

Perhaps with hard work, solid communication and unfiltered passion, you both will find a way to work through unrealistic demands and keep your hearts yearning to please.
Unfortunately, even for the best of us, keeping happiness, passion and desire in our life and relationship is a work in progress every day.  In a survey by the National Opinion Research Center (Smith, 1991) 22 percent of adults, 14 percent of men and 28 percent of women had no sexual relations throughout the previous year.  In addition, more than 15 percent of married couples report having sex less than ten times a year, which is defined as a “Sexless Marriage.”  Once sex stops, you have written a check with no money to cover the bill and your relationship will bounce.  There are many reasons for the lack of emotional connection, passion and desire in relationships.  Consequently, regardless of the reason, without the human experience and expression of emotional connectedness, most “love connections” will eventually turn “blue.”  It is time we ditch the “blues” and the need to find completion in others and embrace lasting love of the self.

The following are Dr. Elisa’s Ten Tips to Totally Taking Care of the Self and achieving Lasting Love:

1. Self – Mastery – Try to avoid your undeniable ability to change others and work on you! Nobody can learn you, like you. It’s important to take time and identify what makes you happy, fulfilled and at peace. No one person can provide what you need all the time but you will have you all the time. Learn to desire you on your terms, free from the influence and expectations of society.

2.  Self – Time – Roughly 50 percent of women and 40 percent of men are single or better yet, relationship depleted, at any given time. This does not mean there are no people in our life draining our soul, spirit and energy.  The simple fact that “people currency” is deposited in our account and we remain in the emotional “red” can throw us into an unhealthy state of mind and make us feel “oh so blue.”  Begin to discover your authentic self and what you truly like in music, décor, smells, taste, touch and you will connect with those with similar energy.

3. Self – Spiritual “groundedness” – If you believe in a higher power, turn to the principles and values that empower you and your relationships. However, be careful not to solely depend on spirituality to deposit into your emotional bank.  Thus, faith without work can have you question conviction when your prayers are not answered.  Faith, in conjunction with work on “self” will be enough to see a positive balance in your emotional bank.

4. Self – Release – In order to experience happiness with others, you must rid yourself of negative emotions.  Immediately, withdraw jealousy, pride, greed, ego pampering and envy and introduce positive energies through humility, love, trust, understanding, patience and empathy.

5. Self – Reflect – on your imperfections. Thus, this will help you throw away those rose or should I say “red” colored lenses and see the world from another perspective – one that’s not solely absorbed in your “perfections”!

6.  Self-Objectification – refers to the psychological process by which we internalize how others perceive us. We must dispose of this depressive and harmful mood.  It is healthy to appreciate and encourage constructive criticism or even helpful advice about perceived areas that are in need of improvement.  Nevertheless, we must not allow someone (or lack of someone) to throw us off life course-this is simply unacceptable.

7. Self – Care – refers to how we treat our mind, body and soul.  The practice of eating a balanced meal and exercising routinely must be mastered.  This principle applies whether we are in, between or out of love.  The practice of self-care is important for your mental, physical and emotional well-being. The better you feel, the better you look and the happier you will be in or out of a relationship.

8. Self – Confidence – refers to how much we believe in our self from a realistic vantage point.  If you do not believe in you, no one else will.  A confident person is like a magnet, people are drawn simply from the energy that exudes when confidence enters a room. Self-confident people inspire others – “Dare to Inspire.”

9. Self – Control – refers to resisting temptation, thinking before you act and the demonstration of patience. Failure to master self-control could result in obesity, substance abuse and impulsive destructive behaviors, including establishing unhealthy relationships. Most adults believe they have mastered the art of self-control by 10 years old – not so fast older people. Research suggests self-control can be stimulated positively or negatively by our social influences, regardless of age. Therefore, it is important to choose the company you keep wisely; it could be a matter of life or death.

10. Self – Gratification – refers to the ability and understanding of how to please your mind, body and soul in ways that are healthy, productive and positive. Do the hard work of finding, dissecting and accepting your self – gratifications, desires and pleasures. The lack of front end work on “self” will certainly result in unhappy relationships on the back end.

Provocatively in love with you,
Dr. Elisa
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